Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Actually cracking up @ this
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.