You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
You Might Also Like
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.