[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*cough*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.