google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
pictures of spider-man
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office