them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
They did not think through this water fountain
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.