[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
HR said no more nunchucks.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.