“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
i choose….tongue
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
HERE’S MARKY
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER