It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.