I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)