if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet