My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now