yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*