GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
And bowling should be called pinball
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.