Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Bed should get ready for ME
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.