HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me too door. Me too.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
No regrets in 2018
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!