What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Basically.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.