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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.