Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Close call…
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.