My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite