me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Seek kebab; not attention
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”