[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.