Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?