Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
You Might Also Like
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*