Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.