People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.