*me flirting
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…