It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
You Might Also Like
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.