Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
emergency phone
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
It was worth a shot 😂
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Wait a minute
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.