I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
You Might Also Like
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
PLOT TWIST:
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*