“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT