I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse