Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
A small tragedy.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.