Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.