Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
You Might Also Like
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases