How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Kermit goes Blue.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.