wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”