Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Breaking news:
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
A family that plays together cheats.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex