Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I can fix him.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies