*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”