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My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
my favorite genre of twitter
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return