Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
They got a point!
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.