Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I bet birds love this building.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?