[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.