[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news