Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
mumsnet is amazing
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*