I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’