If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?