I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Camping tip: No.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face