A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true