Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
#inspiration #foodforthought
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
#MeanwhileInCanada
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in